inquiring parent

“Compassionate self-discipline is nothing other than being present, rather than engaged in distracted, unfocused, addictive behaviors based in an I-need-to-fix-myself mentality. “
This quote is from Cheri Huber, whose wonderful writing I’ve recently come across. (More details at the end of this article.)Though she is writing about self discipline this could just as well apply to any form of discipline. When we are present discipline isn’t even an issue, whereas when we are distracted by beliefs about how children should be life becomes a battle of wills, an endless task of trying to mould children into whatever they currently are not!
Some time ago LB went through an angry phase – yelling that she hated me, hitting her sister, snapping at little things. It was stressful, very stressful. But not because of how she was. The stress came from my thoughts about her behaviour.
I noticed that I wasn’t seeing her as she was, I wasn’t with her as she was. Instead my mind was racing ahead imagining that she would grow up to be a monster, so bad-tempered no one would want to be her friend, and so she would be alone. I was predicting a life of misery and depression for her. As I noticed this I realised that there was no way I could know any of it. I also noticed something else – because I believed as a child (and often as an adult) that my anger was wrong and people didn’t like me if I got angry, and because I had bouts of feeling depressed and friendless from my teenage years onwards, I was assuming that unless she changed her behaviour, she would have the same experience. And I had to save her from that.
For all I knew, expressing her anger at eight years old could mean that she would grow up to be the most peaceful, relaxed adult on this planet. I have absolutely know way of knowing how she will be tomorrow, let alone in ten years time. Yet I was allowing this fear-filled vision to affect my relationship with her now. When I saw this it was obvious that by trying to stop or control her anger I was more likely to encourage the creation of the monster in my mind. If her reaction to my disapproval was to bury her anger it would simply simmer away looking for an outlet.
After this I began to notice how often parents’ problems with discipline turned out to have nothing to do with children as they were, but with how the parent imagined they would become. A friend’s five-year-old was openly defiant, according to my friend disobeying her ninety percent of the time. What was going on in my friend’s mind when this happened? “If I don’t stop him, if I don’t show him who is boss now, what will he be like when he’s a teenager?”
Another woman was terrified of her two-year-old’s tantrums. As we talked the same pattern became apparent – her husband had been an angry young man, and although he’d mellowed, she was imagining her child growing up to be the same way.
How often do families look at children and compare them in appearance and behaviour to family members from the past? After gender, the first thing people want to know about a new baby is who he or she looks like. How often have you thought your child is behaving exactly like Aunt Mabel/father/grandmother/crazy cousin used to do? And if you don’t like how your crazy cousin behaved, how to you react to your child? If you react by trying to stop the behaviour you’re not alone. When we feel uncomfortable about the ways our children behave, it’s good to remember that our past (or our relative’s past) is not our children’s future.
It’s also good to remember our child is hurting in some way – or they wouldn’t be behaving the way they are.
LB’s been raging again, these last few days. At times it has felt exhausting, as if she’s determined to push every button I’ve got. Yes, there have been times I’ve reacted by getting annoyed back. When that happens it’s because I listen to my thoughts and react to them, not to what she says. “You’re horrible,” she shouts. “I hate you.” And if I believe her, even for a second, then I start to think that I have to do something, that I have to make her see that I’m not horrible, or remind her that just a few minutes ago she was telling me how much she loves me. If instead I remember what it feels like to be caught up in the belief that someone in horrible and you hate them, then I can feel love and compassion for her.
A couple nights ago when I didn’t react she got even more angry. And then came the tears. Underneath the anger were fear and sadness. These related to several things, including a trip we’re soon about to make, and that she thought she might not enjoy without her dad there (he will be working). Everything she was upset about was in the future, things that may never happen.
I realised I was thinking I had to do something to change it for her. I also noticed my mind was filled with memories of people saying children should be happy, children shouldn’t worry about things. I noticed this led me to imagine these people say I was doing something wrong as a parent since my child was worrying, and there was something wrong with my child for being unhappy. And then I remembered that if I have a period of sadness or depression, it is generally followed by a time of understanding and expansion. So instead of trying to make things better, I just explained this to LB. She understood, and she understood that she wasn’t wrong or silly for feeling the way she did.

(The Cheri Huber quote comes from ‘Making a Change For Good – A Guide to Compassionate Self-Discipline. I also recommend: How To Get From Where You Are To Where You Want To Be)